I say return, because last year I had an article called, In One Minute or Less, the Greatest Books Ever Written. It was completely irreverent and funny, so in keeping with the spirit of distilling books down to their ultimate essence, I give you a whole new slew of books.
So throw away your Kindle, and throw away your iPad. Because who needs to read, when you can have the entire book in one minute or less?
Our thanks to the scholars at Book-a-Minute Classics.
By George Orwell
Some pigs lead a revolt against people, act like jerks, and play poker.
THE END
The Oedipus Trilogy
By Sophocles
Prophecy
Laios and Iocaste, your son will kill his father and marry his mother.
Laios and Iocaste
Let’s kill it.
Prophecy
Oedipus, you will kill your father and marry your mother.
(Oedipus runs away and fulfills the prophecy.)
Everyone
Woe are us. (die)
THE END
By Mary Shelley
Walton
Dear Margaret: My ship picked up this guy. He RULES.
Frankenstein
I discovered the secret of life, and everyone died. (dies)
Frankenstein’s Monster
Inexplicably, I have become suicidal. (jumps out a window)
THE END
The Pearl
By John Steinbeck
Kino and Juana
Our son is sick. Can you help him?
Doctor
Eat my doorstep, penniless bum.
(Kino finds a pearl.)
Juana
Now that we’re rich, I’ve lost my spirituality.
Coyotito
Yeah, and I’ve been killed.
THE END
By William Shakespeare
Romeo
Oh, Juliet!
Juliet
Oh, Romeo!
Romeo
Oh, Juliet!
Juliet
Oh, Romeo!
Romeo
Oh, Juliet! (dies)
Juliet
Oh, Romeo!……Romeo?……Dammit.
THE END
By Herman Melville
Ishmael
Call me Ishmael.
Captain Ahab
Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.
Crew
Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.
(They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale. Then they find it.)
Captain Ahab
I stab at thee. I stab at thee.
(Everybody dies except Ishmael, although this is no surprise, because it was foreshadowed CONTINUALLY from the BEGINNING.)
THE END
The Crucible
By Arthur Miller
Reverend Parris
Abigail Williams, you and your friends are in trouble, unless you can shift the blame to someone else.
Abigail Williams
She did it! He did it! They did it! Everybody but us did it!
Judge Danforth
Ah, now we are getting somewhere.
(Everybody gets hanged, which just goes to show how evil McCarthyism is.)
THE END
Catch-22
By Joseph Heller
Colonel Cathcart
I want a promotion, so I screw over all my men.
Yossarian
I want to get out of here, so I walk around naked and pretend to be sick.
Colonel Cathcart
Fine. Praise us, and we’ll let you go home.
Yossarian
No. I’ll desert instead, because I’ve learned that war is crazy, and it’s bad too, because it makes people do really weird things and die. Also, high ranking military officers are evil incarnate.
Easily Deluded Reader
Look at all the subtext. This must be one of the greatest anti-war pieces of our time.
THE END
By Fyodor Dostoevsky
Raskolnikov
I’m so extraordinary, I can commit crimes. (kills some people)
Sonia
I’m the spiritual side of Raskolnikov.
Porfiry
I’m the intellectual side of Raskolnikov.
Raskolnikov
I have reconciled the two sides of my personality, represented so well by Sonia and Porfiry. (confesses)
THE END
The Great Gatsby
By F. Scott Fitzgerald
Gatsby
Daisy, I made all this money for you, because I love you.
Daisy
I cannot reciprocate, because I represent the American Dream.
Gatsby
Now I must die, because I also represent the American Dream.
(Gatsby DIES.)
Nick
I hate New Yorkers.
THE END
By Jonathan Swift
(Gulliver visits some places.)
A Lilliputian
We’re small.
A Brobdingnagian
We’re big.
A Horse
We can talk.
(Gulliver goes home.)
Gulliver
Humanity sucks. I hate people.
THE END
The Jungle
By Upton Sinclair
Bad things happen. Worse things happen. Better things happen. Awful things happen. Jurgis discovers socialism and gets all happy.
THE END
Gravity’s Rainbow
By Thomas Pynchon
Thomas Pynchon
A screaming thing comes across the sky. It’s a V-2 rocket carrying twelve thousand pounds of symbolism, and it’s coming down on your poor, deluded, postmodern head.
THE END